Time nor mind

Since I don't have the time nor mind to figure out
The nursery rhymes that helped us out in making sense of our lives
The cruel uneventful state of apathy releases me
I value them but I won't cry every time one's wiped out

Dear Dad,
Today is mother's day and it is the first time there will not be roses on the table from you.  It is also the first time since Freshman year where I am not there to surprise her.  Remember freshman year when you picked me up and we went to Auntie Debbie's mother's day brunch and Auntie Jan screamed because I was there and it didn't even phase mom one bit?  Or last year when I hid behind the couch and scared the crap out of her.  We got her real good!  Then we went to Trattoria La Siciliana and then the yogurt place across the street, because we all know if there is a yogurt shop you are going to try it!

Today is mother's day and it is the first time the four of us are not together.  I am in San Diego, watching Harry Potter by myself.  Sam is at a play with her friend.  And mommy is at some treat yourself spa taking pictures with this creepy guy that has "FAG" painted on his belly...

Today is mother's day and it is the first time it doesn't feel like mother's day.  It doesn't feel like a day of closeness.  I feel like mom is distant from herself, forever in a funk.  I feel like my sister is so incredibly selfish for not even being there with mom on a day she needs it most.  I feel distant.  I feel like I can't do anything for mom.  I feel like a call or a text or even the gift I gave her will never make up for the fact that I am hundreds of miles away.  Our family feels almost separated.  We are fragmented, spread apart, distant.

I'm struggling Dad.  I'm struggling to pick up these pieces.  I am struggling coping with everything.  Loss is so hard.  You would think, someone who has dealt with loss, someone who grew up going to funerals, someone who grew up visiting hospitals and nursing homes on the daily, someone who grew up with a family full of sickness and disease would understand loss.  This is nothing compared to it.  I don't know how to deal with this Dad.  I DON'T WANT to deal with this.  Thinking about you is so incredibly difficult.  When you come into mind it feels like I am swallowing a balloon that's expanding in my stomach.  It's painful, so I push it away.  I try to keep myself busy.  I try to be numb.  In the holocaust, Herman told me that the Germans used to give them medicine in their soup that made them numb.  So instead of breaking down and crying over all the loss and misery they were going through, they didn't feel.  He said they walked around like zombies.  He said when his brother died, he didn't cry.  He couldn't cry, because being numb was better than feeling the pain.

I understand what he said.  I do exactly what he said.  But I'm not sure if I agree with him or myself.  I don't know if it is a good idea to be numb.  It feels wrong all the time, to ignore you, to push you away.  I want to appreciate you.  I want to celebrate you.  I want to be happy at you, not sad or angry. Today I thought about whether or not it would be better if you died earlier where I barely known you, or for you dying now - right on the cusp of having enough but not enough.  I know that is the most ridiculous question, and obviously the answer is the latter, but I can't help but think about it.  I can't but think about if it is better to live with loss or to live with wondering.

But the thing is, I am living with both.  There is so many things you are not going to get to see.  Already I have gotten an internship which turned into a producership with turned into an executive producership.  I have made so many projects that you would of been proud of.  I am figuring out what career I might pursue.  I turned 21.  I am going to bars.  I am also smoking A LOT more weed than I used to.  (I blame you for this... you and your evil tricks of coming into my dreams!).  I have gotten closer to 2 friends.  I have also grown distant to a lot more.  I have gotten a 4.0.  I have also been slacking this quarter.  I have gained weight.  I have lost weight.  And I have gained it back.  I have become a family with Kym and Jamie.  And I am also about to lose Kym to New York.  I have been to court as a witness to Micah's physical assault on Kym.  I have also been very very very lonely.

Loneliness, strength, optimism, are all things that I can change or acquire with will.  But when you are numb it's hard to be anything but numb.  Being numb is to survive but not to be happy.  I would like to be happy.  But currently I am having a hard time surviving.  Yesterday I told Herman about you.  I asked him all these questions.  I asked him how he did it, how he survived, how he eventually found happiness.  He said time.  TIME.  I guess that is my answer.  All good things come with time.  Time has the ability to heal.  Time has the ability to make all things better.  Only good things come to those who wait.  Well let me be honest.  Waiting sucks.  I feel like I've been waiting all my life.  Waiting for a boy to love me, waiting for my weight to just be stable and normal, waiting for me to get out of this teenager "figuring myself out" phase, waiting for friends.  Waiting.  Maybe waiting is just bullshit.  Maybe it's about action.  But in order to take action, there must be strength.  I had strength winter quarter, but it died easily.  I know my strength will come with time.  So for now I will add another component to my wait list.  When I am strong enough I will take action.

In the meantime I would love some help.  Some strength.  I know I don't talk to you much, because it's hard to deal with and it's hard to believe.  But a part of me will always believe that you are there for me.  That you are looking down, guiding me, making sure my life falls into place.  I'm putting all my trust in you, that you will put in a good word and make sure after all this waiting and strengthening that I will get my happy ending.

Love you pops,
Your round little girl.

PS.  Here is a pic a funny pic of me and a giant dog.  It had a huge head.  It was yesterday at Hunt and Gather, the place where I found my 70's ski jacket that everyone thinks is funny but I know you would of appreciated it. (/thought it was funny :p)