Gonna take you away from home.

Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.
Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.



-(No response.)


Hi.(No laugher)



Stewie knew something all right--getting one's attention with repetitious droning serves quite purposeful. But in my case, the only annoyance I hear is the silence at your end.

We've laughed about this family guy scene numerous times together; I wish that we could once more.







What a monotonous stream of consciousness. I didn't mean to make you cry. Sorry for bringing it up.





Oh, and again, Happy Mother's Day.



I know I sent you a card, as I always do, but this year celebrating you proved to be twice as heart wrenching. I had to go through it over two days this year. Firstly in my physical time in Australia, and lastly whence all my North American counterparts came to. It was like the wave of emotion was never-ending. I went to sleep crying the night before, woke up in tears, stirred in this puddle by my pillow, then back to sleep and awake again in tears.

I am so over crying. You would think, it's been four years, I should be okay by now, or at least that's how I feel everyone else rationalizes it for me. The rawness of this gaping hole in my life, you, or your absence better yet, is no less as fresh as it was the day I watched you give your last breath. But people around me don't usually tap into that. I think we are all in denial, honestly. We aren't promised tomorrow, so why do I feel like they are ignoring me today? A day that I need the support more. I don't know whats harder sometimes, either--feeling like I'm forgetting you or that people forget me, as I remember you. I just might be hyper conscious now of everyone with their mothers around me, but man, it sucks. Friends who only spoil their moms on maybe a few days during the year, when I crave every second just to give you the world.

You were right. You always told me I would miss you when you were gone.



It seems, somehow, that the days seem to blend together and as they stretch across the months and flood the years they blur my memories of you. I have no sense of time. In one minute I can hear your voice waking me from my sleep, and in the next second when everything is silent but my breath I wane for it to lull me back into my dreams of you. I can't tell whether they are nightmares or not, knowing that in the motions of my everyday you won't be there. Its as if I'm always asleep; I'm always longing for you, to dream of you.

Lately, you've on my mind in a way that I am not sure how to describe. Like you are lingering behind me. Trying to hold me up through the day. I've been very tired lately. Not like I was before when I really never got to sleep, but tired, lethargic, empty. Its not like I'm doing nothing either; I am keeping busy, but it's a bit unfulfilling at times to even be around people who make you happy. I'm not putting on a face for them, I do enjoy our time together. It's just a lost feeling. I guess I just wish I could pin point what I'm trying to say so that I could understand what I mean, and just move on from it.

I wish you were here to just tell me what I need to do. I wish I listened better whenever you offered the answers.



It's weird being thousands of miles away from home. I'm not sure if it makes it any harder or easier. The way you feel follows you wherever you are, there really is no running away. At least not for good. I hope that me being here, in this different place, is enough of a gift for mother's day. I am somewhere I've only ever dreamed of being, and I imagine that you are here with me, so maybe I'm giving us both something?



I love you. We'll be together again.
Remember you have my heart <3
Alex