Funkytown

Dear Dad,
I don't know what is wrong with me.  This quarter I have been in a funk and I can't seem to get out of it.  I have my good days, and then I have my really bad ones, and then most of the time it is just... I don't even know how to describe it... it's just BLAH.  Like I am not myself.  I am just an existence.  I can't determine how I feel or why I feel or certain way.  I can't get excited, I can't get happy.  I can't do things by myself without feeling extremely depressed.  And even when I do do things I feel extremely depressed.  You know what, I don't even know if it's depression.  It's just like... I can't get happy.  I can't make up my mind.  My emotions are everywhere.  I'm just in a haze.  Maybe it's because I have been on a major come down from the E I took the other night and perhaps one of the symptoms is depression, but I have been feeling like this all quarter.  It's as if I can't enjoy myself entirely.  At coachella, it was fun, but I found myself crying, sad, missing you and at times extremely underwhelmed.  Stef just visited, and again I was underwhelmed.  It's not like I wasn't doing anything fun, I should be having a fun time.  But I don't feel like I'm fully there, everything is just okay and it is annoying.  At times I just want to yell at myself.  To scream at myself to appreciate things.  Hey look, your cousin is here have fun.  Hey look, Sami is visiting we're at a bar yayyyy.  Hey look, you're at fucking coachella.  There are moments of excitement, of happiness, but it is quick and the feeling wears off fast.  There are also moments of extreme sadness.  It is often when I am alone.  I've been having complete melt downs and anxiety attacks.  But mostly I am just underwhelmed, where my body and mind can't decide if it is happy or extremely extremely sad.

For instance, here is an example of what I am thinking right now.  I am in a funk, I know I am.  I am dizzy from the come down.  I know I have work again at 4 and I have the option to opt out of it because I told my boss  I am dizzy but I know I probably can handle it, so am I dizzy or just lazy?  Maybe working will bring my spirits up.  Or maybe I just need a day to do nothing.  But I've been doing nothing this entire weekend.  I've just been cracked out.  Lying on the couch unable to sleep, feeling nauseous and dizzy every time I got off of the couch.  And it just made me sad, not doing anything.  Stef was here and I felt so guilty I couldn't do anything.  And right now, there is a huge part of me that doesn't want to do anything but not doing anything makes me sad.  I don't know if I want to come home this weekend, because I feel like I need it.  But also I don't want to miss Kym being home.  She's been gone lately and she's leaving in a month and being with her and jamie is nice and it makes me so sad at the thought of her not being there.  And then also I might finally have some plans with Caitlin.  And I might need to stay to work on my holocaust video.  But I want to go home.  I might need it. But then again maybe I don't  And part of me doesn't feel like going home.

See that's the thing.  Feeling.  Right now I am so lost I can't establish how I am feeling.  I know I am not happy.  And it's frustrating.  Because my life isn't entirely bad.  I have the option to not be lonely, to hang out with the small amount of friends I have, to go to work and have fun with kids, to go to class and get my mind off of everything.  But I can't decide if I want to or not.  And I know that lying on the couch will make me depressed.  And I know that doing the other stuff will make me feel underwhelmed.  Because when I have activities I find myself sad there too.

It's just like I want to scream at myself to wake up.  HEY MONICA YOU ARE LOSING YOURSELF!  YOU ARE LOSING YOUR FRIENDS.  YOU ARE LOSING YOUR TIME.  I just feel wasteful.  All I want to do is talk to somebody.  Maybe that will help.  But no one understands.  I feel like I've tried.  I just want answers.  But I feel like my mind is so complicated there is no way I could fully express how I am feeling, especially when I don't even know myself.  So then how can someone else know?  The real question is when will this all end.  I just need motivation.  I need true pure excitement.  I need a wake up call.  I need someone to be there for me.  To not forget me, to realize that I am drowning.  Because I can't do it by myself.  I am forgetting myself.  I am making myself drown.  It is all me.  And I want to make myself better.  I want to be happy.  But I just can't, and I don't know why and it is scaring me.